The real Beauty and the Beast Chapter 2

Chapter 2

It's been a while since Mary last saw Zack. She hasn't been to the place. Zack is waiting for her. He wants to talk to her. But he also wants to know what curse this is and why he has it. He's been looking everywhere. But no solutions. But suddenly, he looked at this book. It said that the one that loves him the most, won't see anything at all. He got confused.

Mary decided to go to the library. As she was walking to the library, she smelt something. She smelt smoke. Now that's strange because there is no candles or anything in the place. She looked around. She followed the scent of the smoke. Soon she came to..Zack's door. She felt the door to make sure it isn't hot. She opened the door. She looked around, the smoke stinging her eyes like thousands of hornets. Then she saw Zack. He was on the floor unconsious. She ran over to him and coughed. She gently shooked him, hoping it'll wake him up. But it didn't. She grabbed his arm and dragged him towards the door. She was almost there, when the ceiling collapsed on her.

Zack woke up to smoke. He looked around and saw Mary under some pieces of wood. He layed there for a while in shock. He then got up and tried to get the pieces of wood off of her. While he was doing that, he started to yell her name to wake her up. She wouldn't wake up. He yelled louder. Still nothing. He couldn't get the wood off of her. He looked around, trying to find something to get the wood up. He couldn't find anything. Then Mary started to mumble. He looked at her. "Mary!" he yelled. She mumbled more. He knelt by her head. "Mary, you are okay. You are okay. I'm okay and you are okay." he said. She opened her eyes. He smiled. That gave him the power to lift the wood off of her. She groaned. He went back to her. "Mary, I'm going to be needing to pick you up okay? Tell me if it hurts." he told her. She slowly nodded her head. He gently placed his arms under her waist and under her knees. He began to gently pick her up off the floor. She screamed in pain. He put her back down. "I'm so sorry" he said. He looked around and saw a blanket. He ran to grab it. He came back and layed it next to her. "I'm going to be needing to put you on this okay?" he said. She nodded. He picked her up and quickly layed her down on the blanket as she squezzed her eyes shut. He grabbed on end of the blanket and started to drag her. She started to moan in pain. She groaned as he stopped so he could open a door. Finally after a lifetime, they reached the front door.

Mary has been asleep for 3 days now. Zack hasn't left her side.

Today Mary just woke up. It took her a month to wake up. She is all well. But there is one problem. She doesn't remember anything. Well, she remembers important stuff but she doesn't remember Zack. She screamed when she saw him. Now the scream wasn't because of what he looks like. She screamed because she doesn't know him and he is sitting there staring at her. You would scream when you see that, huh. Well he thought it was because of what he looked like. So he ran away. Before he left, Mary saw sadness on his face. This gentleman, she thought, was kind enough to stay with her. She looked around and saw that she had bandages around her torso. He must've saved me, she thought, and I screamed at him. She felt tears coming to her eyes. "I made him feel bad" she said quietly to herself. She started to cry. "I ruin everything" she wailed. She sobbed into her hands. She needed a hug. She looked around and saw no one there. "Everyone left me. I told them they will leave me. I told them." she yelled. She sobbed harder. "EVERYONE LEFT ME" she yelled as loud as she can. "I haven't" a voice said. She looked over at the direction the voice came from. She couldn't see anything because it was so dark. "W-what?" she asked with a break in her voice. "I haven't left you and I never will" the voice said. "W-who are you?" she asked. She saw this person come out of the darkness. She gasped. This man was handsome. "My name is Zack". "You" she breathed. Suddenly what happened came back to her.

The real Beauty and the Beast Chapter 1

    Chapter 1


Mary didn't know what to do. She didn't know if she was suppose to go to the left or the right. She didn't know if she was suppose to go up or down. All she knew was that she was suppose to go to this place everyday at 2:30 pm. No questions. No talking. She has to be quiet. If she scuffed her shoes against the floor someone would yell at her. Maybe something more. All she knew was that she was doing this since she was born. She didn't have a choice. She would be doing something then her feet take her to the place. She doesn't know where this place is. She looks around but the walls look different then it was the day before. She has to stay there until 6:30 pm. She has no memory of what happens during those 4 hours. She has tried to figure it out but she can't.

  Zack doesn't know how long he has. He has to be at a place by 2:00 pm. Well, he doesn't have to. He goes there just to see Mary. He watches her go to the place. He isn't creepy. He just loves her. He has to stay away from her, though. You know that beast from Beauty and the Beast? Well he looks like the beast. He showed himself when they were little and she screamed. He had to run away before anyone could find him. He desperatly wants to meet her, but he is scared she'll scream like she did.

*2:30pm* Mary is walking down the hall to the place. She looked to her right. There was a shadow. She looked away but looked back at it. She could've sworn she saw something. It must've been her mind. She's been seeing things down this hall since she was a little girl. She shrugged it off and went into the place.

*2:40pm* He cursed himself. He tried to go out but she almost saw him. "Why am I so horrid?" he asked himself. He looked in the mirror. All he saw was matted fur all over the place. He looked at his hands. Claws emerging from his fingers. He looked at the mirror to see his face. Sharp teeth and dark beady eyes. "Um s-sir?" a nervous voice asked. "What?" Zack snapped. The voice squeaked out a response. "What do you want?" Zack tried to ask nicely. "S-sir. You may not know me, but ummm, I-I have s-seen you and I want to k-know you and-" the voice was cut off. "Who are you" Zack asked. "I'm Mary" the voice said as she stepped into the light. Zack looked up and immeditaly covered himself. "You must go at once" he said. "But-" Mary started but decided not to. She mumbled something and started to walk away.

*6:59pm*  As Zack sat, Mary was watching him. He hasn't tooken off what was concealing him. She was about to leave when he took it off. She stared astonished at him. "Sir" she said. He jumped and turned around in great speed. "What are you doing here" he yelled. She shrunk back, scared. He saw her and sat back down. "I'm sorry.." he whispered as he put his head in his hands. "It's ok" she said quietly. "No it's not ok" he said. She sat down next to him. She put her hand on his shoulder. He jumped at the touch. "Look at me" she said. He shook his head. She grabbed his face and made him look at her. He looked at her. "W-why haven't you screamed or ran away" he asked. She looked at him confused. "Why would I run away" she asked. He gestured to himself. She still gave him a confused look. He sighed. "You are handsome. Why are you hiding?" she asked him. He stood up quickly. "I'm not handsome!" he yelled. "I have fur all over the place and I look like a beast!" he wailed and started to cry. She looked at him and left.

Random facts about me

I have no clue what to type. I had the most amazing ideas when I started the blogging. But now my brain is all blahhh. I can't think of anything to write. Ummmm. I'm about to just type um and blah and random words now. I'll just list random facts about me. Seems nice. Easy way for you to get to know me.

    Ok so. First fact about me is that I'm shy. I believe I have Social Anxiety. Do you know anyone who has Social Anxiety? Well the people who have Social Anxiety don't like to talk to people. When we go to buy something, we count our money lots of times before we actually buy something. Ordering food in a restuarant is hard because we stammer and stutter. I know I stammer and stutter. Recieving a phone call is like fire alarms going on. It's difficult. Another fact about me is that I was born in July. I'm born in summer and yet I hate the hot. I get grumpy and tired when I'm hot. It's weird.

  Another fact about me is that I love Disney movies. Watching Disney movies helps me become a kid again. I guess the reason why I like Disney movies is that something goes wrong. Two friends fight or something. But in the end everything goes good. I love the movie Penolpe (If that's how you spell it). It's about this girl who had a curse put on her. The curse caused her to look kind of like a pig. Pig nose and all. So her mom hid her. The only way for the curse to be unbroken is for her to marry a "pureblood". Her mom had guys come over and they got to know her. Then they saw her face. They run away screaming. This one guy saw her and he didn't run away. He loved her. She ran away. They never saw each other again. Then this "pureblood" guy came and proposed to her. He didn't love her at all. So the day they were going to get married, she ran out of the cermony. She ran to her room and locked the door. Her mom tried to get her back to the cermony, but she didn't want to. She yelled "I like myself the way I am", then bam! She got a regualar nose. She only had to accept herself for who she was. So then the guy that loved her met her again and they lived happily ever after.

   I like that movie because it makes me feel good about myself. That a guy would love me for me. I've always wanted that. After I watch the movie, I feel so good. I usually watch it before I go to bed. But when I get up the next day, I don't feel good about myself.

  Another fact. When I was in elementry, I had to have speech classes. I think I still do. I'm still not able to move my mouth the way it should for some words. I can't say alluninum correctly. I used to call tissues, nissues. I mispronounce lots of words. When I read out loud, I have to read a word in my head multiple times then say it out loud. But even then I get the word wrong. So I try to not read out loud in front of people.

  Another fact. I love cats. Actually the word love is a understatement. I got three cats at my house. One is named Tobie and he is a huge mainecoon. Another is Sophie and she is a calico russian blue. And the last is Percy who is a long haired cat. We don't know what kind he is. Tobie is like my baby. I care so much about him. When I'm in my room with him and I see a spider, I grab him and run out. I never allow him to go somewhere dangerous. I guess I'm way too overprotective. But I love him. Sophie is heavy. She is very very heavy. It's hard to believe that when our neighbors found her, she was praticly a twig. Percy, as you probably read from my other post, he is crazy. He is creme with orange. He is very very crazy. He acts like a dog sometimes even though he is a cat.

Another fact. I like hugs. They make me feel better. The warmth of someone else around me. I really like hugs if they are from a guy that is taller than me. But at 5 foot 7 and a half inches, there is not all that many guys taller than me. Well, there might be taller guys than me but I haven't met them yet. I hope I meet them soon or something.

Another fact. I'm bad at grammer. I say it don't make sense instead of it doesn't make sense. I have bad grammer. I have my own langauge too. It's called, cue magic hands, Tess speak. Not that good of a name but eh. My parents are still trying to figure out my langauge. My brother got it down nice and easy. I sometimes have troubles bringing a word from my head to my mouth so I have to change words. I get angry when I can't say the word even though I have it at the tip of my tongue.

Another fact. I fall a lot. I have been falling on my knees so many times and causing a scar on them that I forgot what my knees look like with out the scars on them. I've fallen on my tail bone so many times that it hurts if I'm leaning down or sitting for too long. My arms have scars from my cats, dogs, falling, and anything else I have done. (There is too many to count) My legs have so many scars from misquito bites. I have banged my head against the wall that i'm pretty sure I have brain damage or something. But now when I hit my head, I don't feel anything.

Another fact. I love the color blue. As you can't tell by my zipup and my glasses and my glasses case. It's funny that my room is all pink and I love the color blue. But I'm going to paint my room blue when I'm older. Maybe when I get my own house I'm going to have everything blue in my room. Blue ceiling, blue walls, blue rug, blue dresser, blue chandlier, blue everything. Well not my floor or my doors or my clothes.

That's all the facts I want to share.

Love story (a play)

 Narrator: This is a love story. It might not last for long but at least it's good now. So lets start it before it ends.

 Narrator: First you must meet the characters. Mary, Zack, and Tina! Come here.

Mary: Don't yell. I have a headache. (Holds head in hands)
Zack: Yeah don't yell. (Looks down as Mary glares at him)
Tina: Why do I have to be out here?
Narrator: Shhhhhhh. Be quiet. I'm in the zone. (Takes a deep breath) One day-
Tina: What do you mean one day? What's going on?
Narrator: Just act out what I'm saying. It's a play. Now shhhh. Now where was I.. Oh (Takes a deep breath)
*Scene changes into a house* *Tina and Zack leave as Mary lays down on a bed with phone in hand*
Narrator: One day Mary was sitting on her bed.
Mary: I'm soo bored!! No one is talking to me or able to hang out. (Looks at cat) At least you are here Tobie. (Cat gets up and runs away)
*Phone buzzes*
Mary: Someone texted me yayyyyy. (Grabs phone)
*On the phone*
Zack: Hi.
Mary: I'm angry at you.
Zack: Why?
Mary: You haven't answered my texts and you were talking to Tina. It made me feel bad.
Zack: I'm sorry.
Mary: It's ok.
*The next day*
*Someone in crowd boos.*
Narrator: SHHHHHHHH. It's going to get interesting.

*Mary is at Tina's house*
*The girls are talking about random stuff*
Mary: Zack texted me.
Tina: Oh really.
Mary: Yeah. There's something off about him.
Tina: Eh who cares.
Mary: (Shrugs)
*Mary looks at phone*
Mary: I love his dog though. I'm going to steal it from him.
Tina: (Watches the TV) Okay. Have fun.

*On the phone*
Zack: Mary I want to try something
Mary: Ok...
Zack: I love you
Mary: (Says to Tina) Zack just told me he loves me. Ermerger!!! (On the phone) ....
Zack: I'm sorry. I should go (Insert crying face)
Mary: No no no don't go.

Narrator: This is all. It got ruined. I was on a roll too. Well, bye I guess.
Mary: Bye
Zack: Bye
Tina: Bye

Happyness

Happyness stuff right here. Feeling bad, read this stuff. Drop whatever you are doing and read.


So you know how students are complaining about school? I bet the teachers complain about it too. Complaining about how the kids are not doing this, not doing that, blah blah blah. I bet they make little plays about their day. They possibly hope to make it into a movie. I bet the sit at their computer at home, typing down everything that they have seen. They show their spouse and maybe kids what happened and they laugh. I bet they dream about us too.

 Lets go to happy memories shall we? Okay. Ummmmmmm let me think. Oh oh oh. So I was about, eh let's say, 10. About that age. So I had two cats and one dog. So I was sitting on the couch watching TV when I heard a hiss and a whimper. I looked around and saw that Roanin (our dog at the time) had a bloody nose. One of our cats had a satisfied look on his face. Now that's strange. Then I realised that our cat scratched Roanin's nose because Roanin was being mean. So I told my mom what happened and we both laughed. My mom cleaned up his nose with the help from my brother. After Roanin was all cleaned up, my mom called my dad. She told him that her cat gave his dog a bloody nose. Now think about that. A innocent cat gave a dog that is 10 times the size of him, a bloody nose. Maybe even 13 times the size. We didn't let Roanin forget about that.

  After a few years when I was 13, another thing funny happened to Roanin. My mom gave him a treat, okay. So him being smart, he got it stuck behind his tongue. He started to freak out. Like, he was running all around the house. So my mom helped him. She got it unstuck and he licked her. He was so happy that my mom "saved his life" that he stayed by her side. He was almost literally stuck to her hip. He didn't leave her side until a week later. (Note: I was trying my best not to laugh out loud. I had to stop a couple times because the memory was too funny!)

  This is kinda mean but eh. So early last year, I was laying on my bed. My cat, Tobie, was laying next to me. I was bored so I rolled towards my cat. He rolled away from me. I guess he misjudged how much bed he was taking up because he fell off my bed. Now, I should've jumped to grab him but, I laughed. I laughed really hard. The look he had when he fell off my bed was priceless. He gave me the worst glare ever. I told him I was sorry, but I was laughing to hard to make it sincere. So now everytime he is on my bed, I pretend to push him to see him freak out. Yep I'm nice to my cat.

  Oh speaking of cats, I got a new kitten. He is.....special. He runs around, goes into the garage, gets stuck, acts like a spazz attack. He is the best cat ever though. But when you pick him up, he wants to be on your shoulder. We had a cat that loved to be carried like a baby. But this cat climbs up onto your shoulder. He acts like a parrot. He gets onto your shoulder and just lays down. I've gotten many, many scratches from him climbing onto my shoulder. I even have 3 scars from him! Anyways, he loves faces. When you are laying down, he bites your chin. He bites your nose. He bites anything he could reach. He almost put a hole in my nose. But then he licks your face, so then it's okay. He wakes people up too. The way he wakes me up is by jumping on my head, biting my head, scratching my head. He attacks my head just to wake me up. Then he lays down on my feet. Then gets up and attacks my head again. When I pick up my head, he lays down on my pillow. Really? You just woke me up to lay down on my pillow? Seriously cat?

 My other cat wakes me up by meowing in my face and dropping stuff on my head. He only does it if I don't wake up from him hitting his head against my arm, face, legs, and back.


I had this cat. His name was Tiger. He was the best cat that my mom could ever ask for. He was actually a really good cat. Except for the fact that he climbed up the Christmas tree. Every time we put it up during the Christmas time, he was in it. He would actually climb in, lay down, and fall asleep. It was crazy. And I remember one time, there was a spider on the ground. I think it was a black widow. But anyways, he stepped on it. He stepped on it. Like, there was no yelp, no hiss, no nothing. Just walked onto it and walked away. I'm glad to say that the spider was in no pain during his last moments. He was my hero at that time. Another funny thing that Tiger did was that he went outside and got a mouse. He tried to bring it in but my mom yelled at him to put it back outside. Now, people say that cats don't listen to us. Tiger put the mouse back outside. But before he did that, he gave my mom a dirty look. It was like he was saying, ' um excuse me but this is a present'. Not many cats do that.

When we got Tiger and his brother (Tobie), my dad had both of them in his backpack. It was a suprise to my mom. So when he got older, we noticed he liked being in boxes, backpacks, anything that he could fit into. It was funny seeing him looking up at you purring while in a box. 

How I deal with grief

  How I deal with grief. Lots of people say that they know how. But not all of the steps works for some people. So this is how I deal with grief.

  Everyone has someone who passed from their family. Some had animals pass. I've had more animals pass than someone in my family. So first is how I deal with animals passing.

  First let me tell you about my last dog that was put down. Roanin ( pronounced row-nin) was a yellow lab. But sometimes he thought he was a lap dog. He was funny. During storms he would shake. We had to give him "happy pills". Not too much though. If you were sick, he would be right next to you. He was a lovely dog. But that had to change. You see, he had a sickness that had no cure. He didn't eat, he didn't play, he did nothing but sit and sleep all day. It was really bad. When I found out, I thought it was my fault. If I would've told my parents that he was skinny, if only I told them something is wrong with him. We caught the sickness too late. So the day after Thanksgiving, you could tell. You could tell he was going. The cats were all around him. He looked up at you with sad eyes. Not puppy sad, but sad eyes. You wouldn't have known unless you saw him. So my mom set a appoiment for him. Her and my dad took him to the vet. I told my friend and we both cried. When they came back, it was like the Devil set his dark, black blanket on our house. I spent the whole day crying. But then, I wouldn't cry. No tear came to my eyes when I talked about him. I thought I went crazy. I thought I became heartless. That was until I read that some people don't want to realize that someone or something left them so their mind tells them that they are still here. So one day I came home from school. I saw a tin on the dining room table. I picked it up and saw "Roanin Sigler July 23 2007- November 25 2014". I looked into the living room to see that his bed was gone. No trace of dog in the house. Then bam, it hit me. He's gone. He left me. The only comfort during rainstorms. The only comfort when there is loud fireworks outside. He's gone. I cried. But I had to clear my face because we were going out. How I deal with it is looking at the good side. We don't have to get up in the middle of the night. I don't have to be scared he's going to bite me. We don't have dog fur all over the house. But that seems selfish. Doesn't it? I've been doing good. I haven't cried a lot about missing him. Sometimes I wish I can hold him and cry.

Life

   Life. One simple word can confuse many people. What is life? Why do we need life? Why is all of these things happening to one person and not to another? Life. People ask me what's wrong. I shrug and say 'Life'. They ask what about life. That, I say, I cannot answer. Because some people may think it's not bad. Others think it's a curse. Others, don't care. They ride the wave of life. There are many life quotes. "Sit back and enjoy the rollercoaster called life" many have said. Life has it's ups and downs. You may be terrified at the beginning, but when the ride is over, you want it to go longer. That's life. When you hate it and spend your days at home not doing anything, then you face your last few days and you think, wow. Life passes by. One minute you are in elementry school, the next you are holding up your own family. Take risks, do some bad stuff. Don't live life like a good girl. Break some rules. Don't let others push you down. When people try to use you for different things, stop giving it to them. Turn cold to them. If they push you to do something, put your foot down and say no. But no isn't easy to say. It isn't easy to say no to that man next to you. It isn't easy to say no to your friend. It isn't easy to say no to anyone. I lived it. I was scared to say no, fearing people would leave me. I did stuff that I sometimes regret. But it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.

    Being a good girl, everyone expects you to help them. They always expect more from you. When you don't do your best, they think you are stupid. Or you freak out. You panic because your friend is in a teachers arms eyes closed, pale face. The teacher yelling for someone. You could do something. Like hold him or something but you just stand there. You can't move, you can't breath, your mind is blank. Then you are forced to leave him. Then you realize, he could die. You freak out. Crying. Thinking back to the days when you weren't so nice to him. All the fights you've had. Your friend is next to you holding you while you cry, repeating to yourself 'he could die' 'he's going to die'. You are wanting to hold him, to hug him, to let him know you are there. You calm down. Then you see him again. Then his eyes rolling back to his head, his face red, him not breathing plays through your mind again. You never were very religious, only when you seemed the time was right and when you are alone. But today, at this time, it didn't matter. You pray that he'll be protected. You pray as loud as you can, hoping someone might hear you. You cry more, shaking, unable to breath. You are talking to the person that makes you happy but you want another person. You want him to be there holding you. You feel like you need him. You go home and you have to run, sing, doing whatever you can to get your head off of that day. Then you realize, what did happen today? All I remember is testing, going to lunch, then....that. You go to bed and wake up the next day. What happened yesterday runs in your head. But one thing stays there. He told you he didn't feel good before it happened. You could've known. You hit yourself, blaming yourself. You curse yourself and cry again. Going to school means having to see where it happened. He talked to you after he was okay, but it wasn't enough. You go throughout the whole weekend having moments when it got too much. You go to school that Monday. You freak out. But then, you see him. You run up to him not caring about anything and give him a big hug. You just want to hold him forever. You want to feel the warmth of his arms around your body. You want to feel and hear his heart beat like it did. You don't care about anything anymore. You feared he would leave you. You fear that he'll leave you for real. You fear everyone would leave you. You already had three people leave you. One of them told you that they love you. That they care about you. You told all three of them that they'll leave you, that they'll hate you. And it came true. You try to get them back but they refuse. So you decided to stop trying. They then try to get you back. You hurt them more by saying no. You feel worse and you just want to end it all. But don't. Just don't. Life is too important to throw it all away.

    Ha. If it was important, then why does thousands of people die everyday? Why do little kids who are sick have to die? Those at the Coninuctut elementry school, they died. They died because some guy was jealous. Innocent kids were being threatened. They were being yelled at, maybe even hit. But some kids are used to the screaming and the fighting. They come home from school and see mommy and daddy screaming and fighting with each other. They hide in their room not having dinner. Sometimes they are found. Screaming and crying is all you hear. You think 'I hope the neighbors don't see through the curtain'. But maybe they should. They could help. Everyday this is happening to thousands of children. Sometimes they get the help, but it's too late. Their friends screaming and crying for their friend. For the one that held them up. They blame themselves for not noticing.

     Have you ever regreted not noticing something? I have. Millions of times. Have you ever got a text from your brother saying 'Go to the neighbors house after school'. As you walk to their house, you see a ambulance and a police car infront of your house. If that's not scary enough, the door is wide open. All you know is that your mom took too much happy medicine. That's all you were told. 'She wanted to be happy'. You wonder if your mom left you. You break down, not wanting to go on without her. Your dad comes home from the hospital. You ask what happened and he tells you. Not your older brother, but you. You spend the weekend on the couch telling yourself that she is at work. That she's okay. On Monday, you got to see her. You look at her and notice scratches on her arm. You feel bad. You should've known she was hurting. She apoligizes and you try not to cry, for there is someone else there. You find out that while the doctors were trying to get her better, they put lots of fluids in her lungs. Even if it was an accident, she could've died. You haven't trusted doctors since that happened. Even if someone tells you that they got your back, they'll hurt you more.

    You had this friend. She was nice to you. She liked your music. But she told you that her father would do bad things to her. You believed her. She told you that her mom wasn't around anymore. You believed her. She said she had to go before he finds her. You believed her. You believed everything she said. Even stayed up all night to make sure she's okay. But then, her name that she claimed, wasn't real. Nothing was real. You want to punch something. You gave her your trust, told her your secrets, but they were ruined. You can't trust anyone anymore. Then someone tries to lie to you. Saying that they love you. Saying that you are their life. You told them that you love them more than everything you love times 70. They ruined you the next day. You think 'you said you loved me more than food, I know that was a lie'. If it wasn't a lie that you love me, then why did you do those things? You told me that I was yours and you were mine. You told me that you care about me. You put yourself down saying that you are worthless and all that. If you were worthless, then why do I get happy when I see your name? Why do I feel the way I feel, for a worthless person? But you know it's okay. I got another person. They actually try. They message me first. They don't lie to me. I told them I need them. Before I could do anything they responded with 'what's wrong'. I felt better when they messaged me back. Not many people do that to me. Everytime they say my name, I get happy. They say hi and I feel better. I feel amazing when I talk to them. But there is another two people that I feel better around. Their arms feel warm under my hands. Just thinking of them makes my heart flip and my palms sweaty. But I don't know anymore. I'm scared to tell anyone anything because I'm scared that they'll run away from me. That they'll leave me.

    Sweetie, I know you are there. I want to see you. I want to feel your heart beat. I know that someday, later on in life, we'll meet again. We'll see each other and think of all the good things that we had. I'd make you my famous sandwich, that I call sammich. We'll snuggle and do all the things we wished we were able to earlier in life. But then I find out you have a daughter. That your wife is coming home soon. I waited all my life to see you. I waited by my phone hoping that you'll read my messages. Hoping that you'll tell me you love me. Hoping that you'll come to my graduation with flowers and open arms. I pray that we will be able to talk again. I still imagine you next to me. I still imagine you holding me. Sometimes those imagines drive me insane. Now in order to sleep, I have to imagine that me and you are talking. Don't you know that I spend all my free time waiting for you? Just because you did some mistakes, doesn't mean I don't love you. Everyone makes mistakes. I just need you. I need you right now. I need to hear you say my name. Just please come back to me. I'll do anything to see you. Anything at all. But I'm sure you are annoyed by me. You are annoyed by all the times I beg you to come back. You must be happy now that you aren't being dragged down by me. I made you upset. I hurt you. I HURT YOU. I hurt you so bad.... but that was a mistake. It was a game. It was a stupid little game. I felt guilty that I did those things. I just wish I can take it all back. You were an angel.....but now you are a Devil. I was a Devil.....but now I'm THE Devil.

     Devil. That's a funny word. Why do those letters make something seem worse? Why do we put those letters in the order they are in? If you look at the word spelt backwards, you'll see lived. Lived. What does that mean? Does it mean that you lived something bad? Does it mean that you are gone? What does it mean? What does anything mean? What does life and death mean?

    Have you ever wished... have you ever wished you can tell someone something? Have you wished that they don't leave you after you tell them your feelings? N. That one letter is on my mind. N. How can one letter cause hours of being awake? How can one letter cause you to blush or even smile? How? How can you make me feel this way when I should think of you as my brother? L. You are like my brother. But sometimes, I think of you more than that. J. You make me blush and squeal and act all girly. The reason why I wore that dress is because you are making me girly. T. Why? What did I do to deserve this pain? What did I do to deserve this heartache? Z. I love you more than anything. Those five letters. Those five letters cause me to lose my mind. You five letters should stay away from me. Don't come near me. 'Don't let them in, don't let them see'. I try. I try to keep you guys away from me but I can't. Maybe I should try harder. Maybe I should push everyone away. Maybe. Just maybe.

   But I need to talk about my feelings. I do talk about my feelings, but not to a human.. I pretend I'm talking to someone. It makes me feel better. Why be in reality, when you can do whatever you want in your mind without anyone judging you. Without anyone yelling at you. Yelling. Such a evil word for speaking. Or a evil way to talk to someone. I can't handle yelling. It makes me feel bad. When I feel bad, you should put me in a room with nothing in it. Or just hold me. Hold my arms against your chest or something. Squeeze me till I stop crying. Make me laugh. Anything. Just do anything. But sometimes letting me cry and scream with you holding me makes me feel better. I do love hugs. The warmth of the person surrounding me. J,L,N,T,Z. Hold me please. Hold me when I can't sleep at night. Hold me when I have a nightmare. Just hold me. Hold me when I feel bad. Which will be all the time. I hope you don't care. I hope you don't care that I lean on you. That I press myself against you, hoping that you'll protect me.

    You know those people that know everything that they'll do? They say that they are going to go to this place, do this, do that. And then they say that they wake up in the middle of the night screaming, fearing that they have done the wrong stuff, that they fear they are doing something wrong? Well, I just want to scream at them. I never know what I'm going to do. When I figure everything out, something goes wrong. They don't get why I'm trying to live life at the moment. The reason why is because I'm scared. I'm scared that my intoxicated neighbor will break into my house. I'm scared my parents wouldn't wake up the next morning. I'm scared I wouldn't see tomorrow. I'm scared that the house might break down and crush me. I'm scared my brother will be mad enough to do more worse things to me. No one understands how scared I am. No one understands how many times I lock myself in my room. No one understands how many times I "casually" talk to my friends. No one understands how many times I have to put my music on full blast. No one understands how many times I cry myself to sleep. No one understands anything.

   I try to tell people but they push me off. Or they get all huffy and say 'oh well this is happening to me'. I try to scream. I try to yell. I try to get people to notice me. I try. I send messages to people letting them know I'm hurting. They seem to not notice or they don't care. I scream and cry. I scratch at people begging them to help me. I beg and beg. But they don't notice. They seem to just walk away. So then I just lay there curled up, crying sobbing my eyes out. I lay there until someone helps me. But sometimes by that time it's too late. They offer me help but I turn away. I don't want to do this but I have to. I have to protect myself. And if it means not being by the ones I care most about, then I'll have to take it. I just want to keep these walls up. Nothing can break them. I have guards out side the walls warding people off. But some people have gone through the guards and the walls.I don't know how but they do. They inch closer to the real me everyday. But no one will know the real me. I sometimes let it go when I'm alone. If I had the choice, I would leave the real me at home and never go back to it. The real me is.....dark. It's so dark a flashlight wouldn't work.

   Some people need help. But they don't ask for it. Are they scared? Or are they afraid that the people they ask for help from, doesn't give them help? Why do people lie? Why do people lie about others? Why do people do all these things? Why do people hurt each other?

   I had this friend. He was nice to me. I would tell him things that bothered me and he would tell me things about him. Our friendship turned into brother and sister. He's the best brother I've ever had. I'm worried that he'll go deeper. I'm scared he'll leave me. I'm scared something bad will happen and he hates me. I care so much about him. In fact, I care about everyone I meet. Even if it doesn't seem like it.

  I hate it when people ask me if I'm okay or how I am. I always say 'I'm fine'. I'm fine. I'm hurting. I'm screaming. I'm not doing the things I should be doing. I'm doing the things I shouldn't be doing. I'm feeling guilty. I'm feeling bad. I'm screaming but you still can't hear me. So this is why I'm typing this right now. I need help. I need help from someone. But I'm scared to get help. I'm scared that no one will be able to help me. I need someone to hold me. I need someone to tell me it's okay. To listen to everything I say. To not judge me. I'm tired of lying to everyone saying 'I'm fine'. If doing what I'm doing right now is the only way to get my feelings out, then so be it. I'm tired of hinting. So help me someone please. Hear my screams. Hear my yells. Hear my sobs. Hear me.

   I try to be the good girl. I can't be the good girl no more. The good girls always say the best things, always get praised for everything they do. The only things I get praised about is sarcastic things. I need someone to praise me for everything I do that is good. I want my brother to stop saying "And I care why". It hurts me. I want him to be proud of me. I want people to be proud of me. I want people to be happy with me. I want everyone to see how much I try to do. Right now I'm trying not to cry because people are near. I don't like crying in front of people. Espicially if they ask me what's wrong. Everything is wrong. And that brings me to the top of this blog thing. Life sucks. But there is good things. But the bad things sometimes overpower the good things.

  So this is all I am going to say. Read this. Read it everytime you think your life is worse than someone else's. Listen to everyones life. It might surprise you. Bye.

This is for the girls and What's love

This is for the girls

This is for the girls
the girls who hurt

You may feel no one cares
but they do, they do
you have to dig deeper
dig deeper, dig deeper

Love isn't easy
not easy at all
It may hurt
hurt all day long

But there is someone there
someone there
That loves you
for you

Life is never easy
never easy
might make you queasy
very queasy

But throw away the bad
in come the new, here come the good
Never ever throw love
away, away

Don't worry about boys
or mean girls
as long as you got your cat
you'll be sound

So take a lesson from this
and never leave a kiss
off of a wound
on your heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


What's love?

What's love you may ask
love is a magical thing
you feel happy with
someone you need

Now needing someone is in your mind
but as long as you both
need each other, it'll be fine
they say

You may feel betrayed after you learn something
but forgive them and hold them close
you may never know where you
can find another one of them

Some people make the mistake
of what the other is doing
they scream and yell
while it was their fault instead

I'll say this once and only once
love the person
truely and wonderfully
if you haven't, do it now

Because love is hard to find nowadays
true love that is
hold them close
and never let go

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Story

            Let me tell you a little story. It's the story of life. It's important to know this story so you won't fall. This story will start out all happy but it might go..... I can't tell you. Lets begin the story. There was this girl. Her father was the leader of the Aspen tribe. You know how the girls used to be forced into marriage? Well her father was trying to get her to marry this guy who is big and strong. But she didn't love him. No matter how many times she tried, she couldn't persuade her father to not let her marry him. Her father refused to let his daughter marry someone else. "This man big and tough. May save you from wolves of the night" he told his daughter calmly. "I'd rather marry a wolf than him" she yelled and ran out of the hut. She wandered a long while until she came across a river. She sat down and sobbed.

 "This isn't fair" she sobbed. "What isn't fair" a manly voice asked. She jumped up in suprise. She saw this man standing on a rock in the river. "What are you doing here" she asked. "I might ask you the same thing. Isn't it a little cold for a girl to be out. Alone?" the man responded. "I'm not a girl," she huffed. "I'm nearly 18". "Well crongrats. You want a ribbon?" he asked sarcasticly. "What's a ribbon," she looked at him. "What are you wearing?" she asked with eyes studying him. "These are clothes. What are you wearing?" he asked. "I'm wearing deer skins....It's what my tribe wears." "Tribe? You mean... you are a Native American?" he asked hesitantly. She looked down. "I've never seen a Native American before." he said. She looked up and found that he was walking across the river. He thought it was safe, but she knew it wasn't. "Don't step there!" she yelled. Astonished, he stepped back. He stepped on a rock that made him lose his balance. As he fell in the water, she ran over to him. "I'm fine." he told her. But then he realized she bent down and picked up..a rock. He looked at her confused. She looked over at him and said "you hurt him". "Whatever do you mean? It's a rock. Rocks got no feelings." he said. "They do," she said, "everything has feelings no matter how big or small". He looked at her like she was crazy. "I should go.." she said. She slowly walked away. "Wait! What's your name?" He yelled after her. She looked over her shoulder and said, "Next time you'll see." He watched her walk away.



        "You should've seen him. He was handsome". "Really?" "Yes." "Go back to work!", Thomas yelled. The girl and her sister walked over to the fire pit. The girl bent over to grab the coals. She picked them up and her fiance hit her and said, "No you get water. Be a good wife. You must follow man." She set them down and murmured yes Thomas. She scurried to the river. When she got there, she saw the man again. "Why hello there "Next time you'll see"". he said. She smiled. He looked at her closely. "What happened to your face?" he asked. Her hand went up to her cheek, "I fell," she said quietly. "Mmmhmmm. Let me see," he went over to her. His gentle hands caressed her hurting cheek. "I know he hit you" he said quietly. She looked down. "Can you tell me your name?' he asked. "M-my name is Winter. Winter bird" she said. He looked into her eyes. "That's a lovely name" he whispered. She got chills traveling up and down her arms. "Winter!! You come now!!" Thomas yelled. "Yes" Winter said quietly. She scurried to get the water and ran over to Thomas. She walked away with Thomas. She looked over her shoulder to look at the man. He say him wave her good bye as he.... was he crying?


        A few days past since the man last saw Winter. He had to stay by the river for his post. But he couldn't handle not seeing her. He walked the direction he hoped to see her emerge from everyday. As he walked he saw amazing things. He saw a doe with her young. He saw a buck fighting another buck for a female. He walked straight until he saw a village. "This must be her tribe" he whispered to himself. He saw a young girl and said "Have you seen Winter?" The young girl squealed and said something in a tounge he didn't understand. "Excuse me?" he asked politely. She yelled something and he saw her. He saw Winter in her...wedding dress? "Winter" he breathed. She stared at him for a while then attacked him with a hug. He hugged back and put his head in the crook of her neck. "What are you doing here man?" She asked. "I came to see you" he answered. She pulled away. "You must go." "What I just got here" She looked around. "You must go before it's to late. Go." she said. "Why? What's going on?" he asked. "You must-" she started. "Winter! Who is that man?" Thomas yelled. Thomas came over to them. "My name is Logan. I've come here to take Winter and call her my own" Logan said. Thomas looked at Logan and laughed. "Why, you no man like I" Thomas said. "I real man. You not" "I am pretty sure I am a real man because I don't hit women" Logan spat at Thomas.


  By this time they were face to face with Winter screaming no in the background. Thomas went to make a move, but Logan was faster than Thomas. Logan swept Thomas off his feet with ease. Winter screamed as she saw Thomas wrench Logan off his feet. During his fall, Logan twisted his ankle and banged his head against the cold hard ground. Within seconds, everything went black for Logan. Winter screamed and ran over to Logan. She gently picked his head up and put his head in her lap. She started to sob as her soon-to-be-husband laughed. "Why you crying for him, woman?" he demanded while laughing. "I-I love him" she responded while sobbing. He immediatly stopped laughing. "You love him? Winter you must not love him. Love Thomas," her father insisted. She shooked her head and sobbed. She layed her head on Logan's head. A single tear left her eye and fell on Logan's face. Logan's eyes fluttered open. "Oh!" Winter exlaimed. "Logan! You are okay!" she hugged him. "What-what happened?" he asked. "Don't worry about that" Winter said softly. Thomas looked on at the two with rage. He stomped away into the forest. "Oh does somebody need a nappy-wappy?" Logan asked in a little kid voice. Everyone laughed. Winter helped Logan up and they faced her father. Her father nodded to Logan and said, "welcome, son".


    A few years has came and gone as Logan and Winter are rocking themselves on their porch watching their little twin girls playing with a little boy. They were in a agruement of what to play next. "You pretty. You not real, I'm real" the little boy said to one of their daughters. "We should play mommy and daddy." One daughter said. "No. I don't wanna" said the boy. One of their daughters poked him in the chest. "You play". "Ouch" the little boy said, "You poked my heart". "Are you okay? Say sorry" one of the daughters said. They continued to argue when Winter came over to them. "Now, now children. Don't fight." she said calmly. They all said okay and ran off around the yard. She went back to Logan and hugged him. He hugged back but with a questionable look. She shooked her head smiling like a thousand chersire cats.


   When the twins were 16, one of them got a boyfriend. Logan and Winter didn't want her to have one yet but it was too late. After a while, she was on her way to her boyfriends house. On her way there she got hurt really bad. She was in the hospital for 4 weeks. But during those four weeks, her boyfriend stayed by her side. Every time she had pain he ran to get the doctor. Every time she had a nightmare, he was there to hold her till she fell back asleep. Logan and Winter started to like him. But one day they got in a fight. Winter comforted her. As she was going to lose all hope for men, he came to her door. "Mary, I have a story for you. I hope this makes you love me again, but if it doesn't.... I hope it stays with you". He told her about this young Native American girl that fell for this man that she shouldn't have loved. Her father, the chief, was filled with fury when he found out. He cursed his daughter into a moon and the man into an wolf. So every full moon, when the moon is at it's highest, the man howls his love to the moon. She started to cry as he held her close. They told each other that they loved each other.


A few weeks later he proposed. A few months after that, they got married. Winter was happy when she found out that her daughter was pregnant. When the baby girl was born, Winter found out that she named the baby after her sister. They both started to cry as they held each other. She held her daughter close to her as her mother fell asleep. But something was wrong. Logan gently shook Winter. "Honey, time to wake up" he said. He continued to shake her but she didn't wake up. He was starting to get worried. He told someone to get a doctor when he found out that she wasn't breathing but it was too late. He sat there next to her crying. They got her into a gurney and put her in a seperate room. They were able to revive her. She stayed in the hospital for a few weeks and then she was able to go home. Logan and her got in a fight after she was home for a few weeks and she threw a rock at him. It hit the wall and he knelt down to pick it up. "You hurt him" he said quietly. "It's a rock! It doesn't have feelings" she yelled at him. He looked up at her. "Everything has feelings no matter how big or small" he told her. She stared at him. "Like when we first met.." she said quietly. She started to shake. He got up and led her to the couch. Something was wrong. She looked at him and everything went black.


A few years has passed. Logan hasn't gotten another wife. Every night he cried. Every day he begged someone to save him. Then, he stopped. Their daughter and grandchildren were upset. The daughter blamed herself saying she should've saved him. Well, that's the story.