Life. One simple word can confuse many people. What is life? Why do we need life? Why is all of these things happening to one person and not to another? Life. People ask me what's wrong. I shrug and say 'Life'. They ask what about life. That, I say, I cannot answer. Because some people may think it's not bad. Others think it's a curse. Others, don't care. They ride the wave of life. There are many life quotes. "Sit back and enjoy the rollercoaster called life" many have said. Life has it's ups and downs. You may be terrified at the beginning, but when the ride is over, you want it to go longer. That's life. When you hate it and spend your days at home not doing anything, then you face your last few days and you think, wow. Life passes by. One minute you are in elementry school, the next you are holding up your own family. Take risks, do some bad stuff. Don't live life like a good girl. Break some rules. Don't let others push you down. When people try to use you for different things, stop giving it to them. Turn cold to them. If they push you to do something, put your foot down and say no. But no isn't easy to say. It isn't easy to say no to that man next to you. It isn't easy to say no to your friend. It isn't easy to say no to anyone. I lived it. I was scared to say no, fearing people would leave me. I did stuff that I sometimes regret. But it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.
Being a good girl, everyone expects you to help them. They always expect more from you. When you don't do your best, they think you are stupid. Or you freak out. You panic because your friend is in a teachers arms eyes closed, pale face. The teacher yelling for someone. You could do something. Like hold him or something but you just stand there. You can't move, you can't breath, your mind is blank. Then you are forced to leave him. Then you realize, he could die. You freak out. Crying. Thinking back to the days when you weren't so nice to him. All the fights you've had. Your friend is next to you holding you while you cry, repeating to yourself 'he could die' 'he's going to die'. You are wanting to hold him, to hug him, to let him know you are there. You calm down. Then you see him again. Then his eyes rolling back to his head, his face red, him not breathing plays through your mind again. You never were very religious, only when you seemed the time was right and when you are alone. But today, at this time, it didn't matter. You pray that he'll be protected. You pray as loud as you can, hoping someone might hear you. You cry more, shaking, unable to breath. You are talking to the person that makes you happy but you want another person. You want him to be there holding you. You feel like you need him. You go home and you have to run, sing, doing whatever you can to get your head off of that day. Then you realize, what did happen today? All I remember is testing, going to lunch, then....that. You go to bed and wake up the next day. What happened yesterday runs in your head. But one thing stays there. He told you he didn't feel good before it happened. You could've known. You hit yourself, blaming yourself. You curse yourself and cry again. Going to school means having to see where it happened. He talked to you after he was okay, but it wasn't enough. You go throughout the whole weekend having moments when it got too much. You go to school that Monday. You freak out. But then, you see him. You run up to him not caring about anything and give him a big hug. You just want to hold him forever. You want to feel the warmth of his arms around your body. You want to feel and hear his heart beat like it did. You don't care about anything anymore. You feared he would leave you. You fear that he'll leave you for real. You fear everyone would leave you. You already had three people leave you. One of them told you that they love you. That they care about you. You told all three of them that they'll leave you, that they'll hate you. And it came true. You try to get them back but they refuse. So you decided to stop trying. They then try to get you back. You hurt them more by saying no. You feel worse and you just want to end it all. But don't. Just don't. Life is too important to throw it all away.
Ha. If it was important, then why does thousands of people die everyday? Why do little kids who are sick have to die? Those at the Coninuctut elementry school, they died. They died because some guy was jealous. Innocent kids were being threatened. They were being yelled at, maybe even hit. But some kids are used to the screaming and the fighting. They come home from school and see mommy and daddy screaming and fighting with each other. They hide in their room not having dinner. Sometimes they are found. Screaming and crying is all you hear. You think 'I hope the neighbors don't see through the curtain'. But maybe they should. They could help. Everyday this is happening to thousands of children. Sometimes they get the help, but it's too late. Their friends screaming and crying for their friend. For the one that held them up. They blame themselves for not noticing.
Have you ever regreted not noticing something? I have. Millions of times. Have you ever got a text from your brother saying 'Go to the neighbors house after school'. As you walk to their house, you see a ambulance and a police car infront of your house. If that's not scary enough, the door is wide open. All you know is that your mom took too much happy medicine. That's all you were told. 'She wanted to be happy'. You wonder if your mom left you. You break down, not wanting to go on without her. Your dad comes home from the hospital. You ask what happened and he tells you. Not your older brother, but you. You spend the weekend on the couch telling yourself that she is at work. That she's okay. On Monday, you got to see her. You look at her and notice scratches on her arm. You feel bad. You should've known she was hurting. She apoligizes and you try not to cry, for there is someone else there. You find out that while the doctors were trying to get her better, they put lots of fluids in her lungs. Even if it was an accident, she could've died. You haven't trusted doctors since that happened. Even if someone tells you that they got your back, they'll hurt you more.
You had this friend. She was nice to you. She liked your music. But she told you that her father would do bad things to her. You believed her. She told you that her mom wasn't around anymore. You believed her. She said she had to go before he finds her. You believed her. You believed everything she said. Even stayed up all night to make sure she's okay. But then, her name that she claimed, wasn't real. Nothing was real. You want to punch something. You gave her your trust, told her your secrets, but they were ruined. You can't trust anyone anymore. Then someone tries to lie to you. Saying that they love you. Saying that you are their life. You told them that you love them more than everything you love times 70. They ruined you the next day. You think 'you said you loved me more than food, I know that was a lie'. If it wasn't a lie that you love me, then why did you do those things? You told me that I was yours and you were mine. You told me that you care about me. You put yourself down saying that you are worthless and all that. If you were worthless, then why do I get happy when I see your name? Why do I feel the way I feel, for a worthless person? But you know it's okay. I got another person. They actually try. They message me first. They don't lie to me. I told them I need them. Before I could do anything they responded with 'what's wrong'. I felt better when they messaged me back. Not many people do that to me. Everytime they say my name, I get happy. They say hi and I feel better. I feel amazing when I talk to them. But there is another two people that I feel better around. Their arms feel warm under my hands. Just thinking of them makes my heart flip and my palms sweaty. But I don't know anymore. I'm scared to tell anyone anything because I'm scared that they'll run away from me. That they'll leave me.
Sweetie, I know you are there. I want to see you. I want to feel your heart beat. I know that someday, later on in life, we'll meet again. We'll see each other and think of all the good things that we had. I'd make you my famous sandwich, that I call sammich. We'll snuggle and do all the things we wished we were able to earlier in life. But then I find out you have a daughter. That your wife is coming home soon. I waited all my life to see you. I waited by my phone hoping that you'll read my messages. Hoping that you'll tell me you love me. Hoping that you'll come to my graduation with flowers and open arms. I pray that we will be able to talk again. I still imagine you next to me. I still imagine you holding me. Sometimes those imagines drive me insane. Now in order to sleep, I have to imagine that me and you are talking. Don't you know that I spend all my free time waiting for you? Just because you did some mistakes, doesn't mean I don't love you. Everyone makes mistakes. I just need you. I need you right now. I need to hear you say my name. Just please come back to me. I'll do anything to see you. Anything at all. But I'm sure you are annoyed by me. You are annoyed by all the times I beg you to come back. You must be happy now that you aren't being dragged down by me. I made you upset. I hurt you. I HURT YOU. I hurt you so bad.... but that was a mistake. It was a game. It was a stupid little game. I felt guilty that I did those things. I just wish I can take it all back. You were an angel.....but now you are a Devil. I was a Devil.....but now I'm THE Devil.
Devil. That's a funny word. Why do those letters make something seem worse? Why do we put those letters in the order they are in? If you look at the word spelt backwards, you'll see lived. Lived. What does that mean? Does it mean that you lived something bad? Does it mean that you are gone? What does it mean? What does anything mean? What does life and death mean?
Have you ever wished... have you ever wished you can tell someone something? Have you wished that they don't leave you after you tell them your feelings? N. That one letter is on my mind. N. How can one letter cause hours of being awake? How can one letter cause you to blush or even smile? How? How can you make me feel this way when I should think of you as my brother? L. You are like my brother. But sometimes, I think of you more than that. J. You make me blush and squeal and act all girly. The reason why I wore that dress is because you are making me girly. T. Why? What did I do to deserve this pain? What did I do to deserve this heartache? Z. I love you more than anything. Those five letters. Those five letters cause me to lose my mind. You five letters should stay away from me. Don't come near me. 'Don't let them in, don't let them see'. I try. I try to keep you guys away from me but I can't. Maybe I should try harder. Maybe I should push everyone away. Maybe. Just maybe.
But I need to talk about my feelings. I do talk about my feelings, but not to a human.. I pretend I'm talking to someone. It makes me feel better. Why be in reality, when you can do whatever you want in your mind without anyone judging you. Without anyone yelling at you. Yelling. Such a evil word for speaking. Or a evil way to talk to someone. I can't handle yelling. It makes me feel bad. When I feel bad, you should put me in a room with nothing in it. Or just hold me. Hold my arms against your chest or something. Squeeze me till I stop crying. Make me laugh. Anything. Just do anything. But sometimes letting me cry and scream with you holding me makes me feel better. I do love hugs. The warmth of the person surrounding me. J,L,N,T,Z. Hold me please. Hold me when I can't sleep at night. Hold me when I have a nightmare. Just hold me. Hold me when I feel bad. Which will be all the time. I hope you don't care. I hope you don't care that I lean on you. That I press myself against you, hoping that you'll protect me.
You know those people that know everything that they'll do? They say that they are going to go to this place, do this, do that. And then they say that they wake up in the middle of the night screaming, fearing that they have done the wrong stuff, that they fear they are doing something wrong? Well, I just want to scream at them. I never know what I'm going to do. When I figure everything out, something goes wrong. They don't get why I'm trying to live life at the moment. The reason why is because I'm scared. I'm scared that my intoxicated neighbor will break into my house. I'm scared my parents wouldn't wake up the next morning. I'm scared I wouldn't see tomorrow. I'm scared that the house might break down and crush me. I'm scared my brother will be mad enough to do more worse things to me. No one understands how scared I am. No one understands how many times I lock myself in my room. No one understands how many times I "casually" talk to my friends. No one understands how many times I have to put my music on full blast. No one understands how many times I cry myself to sleep. No one understands anything.
I try to tell people but they push me off. Or they get all huffy and say 'oh well this is happening to me'. I try to scream. I try to yell. I try to get people to notice me. I try. I send messages to people letting them know I'm hurting. They seem to not notice or they don't care. I scream and cry. I scratch at people begging them to help me. I beg and beg. But they don't notice. They seem to just walk away. So then I just lay there curled up,crying sobbing my eyes out. I lay there until someone helps me. But sometimes by that time it's too late. They offer me help but I turn away. I don't want to do this but I have to. I have to protect myself. And if it means not being by the ones I care most about, then I'll have to take it. I just want to keep these walls up. Nothing can break them. I have guards out side the walls warding people off. But some people have gone through the guards and the walls.I don't know how but they do. They inch closer to the real me everyday. But no one will know the real me. I sometimes let it go when I'm alone. If I had the choice, I would leave the real me at home and never go back to it. The real me is.....dark. It's so dark a flashlight wouldn't work.
Some people need help. But they don't ask for it. Are they scared? Or are they afraid that the people they ask for help from, doesn't give them help? Why do people lie? Why do people lie about others? Why do people do all these things? Why do people hurt each other?
I had this friend. He was nice to me. I would tell him things that bothered me and he would tell me things about him. Our friendship turned into brother and sister. He's the best brother I've ever had. I'm worried that he'll go deeper. I'm scared he'll leave me. I'm scared something bad will happen and he hates me. I care so much about him. In fact, I care about everyone I meet. Even if it doesn't seem like it.
I hate it when people ask me if I'm okay or how I am. I always say 'I'm fine'.I'm fine. I'm hurting. I'm screaming. I'm not doing the things I should be doing. I'm doing the things I shouldn't be doing. I'm feeling guilty. I'm feeling bad. I'm screaming but you still can't hear me. So this is why I'm typing this right now. I need help. I need help from someone. But I'm scared to get help. I'm scared that no one will be able to help me. I need someone to hold me. I need someone to tell me it's okay. To listen to everything I say. To not judge me. I'm tired of lying to everyone saying 'I'm fine'. If doing what I'm doing right now is the only way to get my feelings out, then so be it. I'm tired of hinting. So help me someone please. Hear my screams. Hear my yells. Hear my sobs. Hear me.
I try to be the good girl. I can't be the good girl no more. The good girls always say the best things, always get praised for everything they do. The only things I get praised about is sarcastic things. I need someone to praise me for everything I do that is good. I want my brother to stop saying "And I care why". It hurts me. I want him to be proud of me. I want people to be proud of me. I want people to be happy with me. I want everyone to see how much I try to do. Right now I'm trying not to cry because people are near. I don't like crying in front of people. Espicially if they ask me what's wrong. Everything is wrong. And that brings me to the top of this blog thing. Life sucks. But there is good things. But the bad things sometimes overpower the good things.
So this is all I am going to say. Read this. Read it everytime you think your life is worse than someone else's. Listen to everyones life. It might surprise you. Bye.
Being a good girl, everyone expects you to help them. They always expect more from you. When you don't do your best, they think you are stupid. Or you freak out. You panic because your friend is in a teachers arms eyes closed, pale face. The teacher yelling for someone. You could do something. Like hold him or something but you just stand there. You can't move, you can't breath, your mind is blank. Then you are forced to leave him. Then you realize, he could die. You freak out. Crying. Thinking back to the days when you weren't so nice to him. All the fights you've had. Your friend is next to you holding you while you cry, repeating to yourself 'he could die' 'he's going to die'. You are wanting to hold him, to hug him, to let him know you are there. You calm down. Then you see him again. Then his eyes rolling back to his head, his face red, him not breathing plays through your mind again. You never were very religious, only when you seemed the time was right and when you are alone. But today, at this time, it didn't matter. You pray that he'll be protected. You pray as loud as you can, hoping someone might hear you. You cry more, shaking, unable to breath. You are talking to the person that makes you happy but you want another person. You want him to be there holding you. You feel like you need him. You go home and you have to run, sing, doing whatever you can to get your head off of that day. Then you realize, what did happen today? All I remember is testing, going to lunch, then....that. You go to bed and wake up the next day. What happened yesterday runs in your head. But one thing stays there. He told you he didn't feel good before it happened. You could've known. You hit yourself, blaming yourself. You curse yourself and cry again. Going to school means having to see where it happened. He talked to you after he was okay, but it wasn't enough. You go throughout the whole weekend having moments when it got too much. You go to school that Monday. You freak out. But then, you see him. You run up to him not caring about anything and give him a big hug. You just want to hold him forever. You want to feel the warmth of his arms around your body. You want to feel and hear his heart beat like it did. You don't care about anything anymore. You feared he would leave you. You fear that he'll leave you for real. You fear everyone would leave you. You already had three people leave you. One of them told you that they love you. That they care about you. You told all three of them that they'll leave you, that they'll hate you. And it came true. You try to get them back but they refuse. So you decided to stop trying. They then try to get you back. You hurt them more by saying no. You feel worse and you just want to end it all. But don't. Just don't. Life is too important to throw it all away.
Ha. If it was important, then why does thousands of people die everyday? Why do little kids who are sick have to die? Those at the Coninuctut elementry school, they died. They died because some guy was jealous. Innocent kids were being threatened. They were being yelled at, maybe even hit. But some kids are used to the screaming and the fighting. They come home from school and see mommy and daddy screaming and fighting with each other. They hide in their room not having dinner. Sometimes they are found. Screaming and crying is all you hear. You think 'I hope the neighbors don't see through the curtain'. But maybe they should. They could help. Everyday this is happening to thousands of children. Sometimes they get the help, but it's too late. Their friends screaming and crying for their friend. For the one that held them up. They blame themselves for not noticing.
Have you ever regreted not noticing something? I have. Millions of times. Have you ever got a text from your brother saying 'Go to the neighbors house after school'. As you walk to their house, you see a ambulance and a police car infront of your house. If that's not scary enough, the door is wide open. All you know is that your mom took too much happy medicine. That's all you were told. 'She wanted to be happy'. You wonder if your mom left you. You break down, not wanting to go on without her. Your dad comes home from the hospital. You ask what happened and he tells you. Not your older brother, but you. You spend the weekend on the couch telling yourself that she is at work. That she's okay. On Monday, you got to see her. You look at her and notice scratches on her arm. You feel bad. You should've known she was hurting. She apoligizes and you try not to cry, for there is someone else there. You find out that while the doctors were trying to get her better, they put lots of fluids in her lungs. Even if it was an accident, she could've died. You haven't trusted doctors since that happened. Even if someone tells you that they got your back, they'll hurt you more.
You had this friend. She was nice to you. She liked your music. But she told you that her father would do bad things to her. You believed her. She told you that her mom wasn't around anymore. You believed her. She said she had to go before he finds her. You believed her. You believed everything she said. Even stayed up all night to make sure she's okay. But then, her name that she claimed, wasn't real. Nothing was real. You want to punch something. You gave her your trust, told her your secrets, but they were ruined. You can't trust anyone anymore. Then someone tries to lie to you. Saying that they love you. Saying that you are their life. You told them that you love them more than everything you love times 70. They ruined you the next day. You think 'you said you loved me more than food, I know that was a lie'. If it wasn't a lie that you love me, then why did you do those things? You told me that I was yours and you were mine. You told me that you care about me. You put yourself down saying that you are worthless and all that. If you were worthless, then why do I get happy when I see your name? Why do I feel the way I feel, for a worthless person? But you know it's okay. I got another person. They actually try. They message me first. They don't lie to me. I told them I need them. Before I could do anything they responded with 'what's wrong'. I felt better when they messaged me back. Not many people do that to me. Everytime they say my name, I get happy. They say hi and I feel better. I feel amazing when I talk to them. But there is another two people that I feel better around. Their arms feel warm under my hands. Just thinking of them makes my heart flip and my palms sweaty. But I don't know anymore. I'm scared to tell anyone anything because I'm scared that they'll run away from me. That they'll leave me.
Sweetie, I know you are there. I want to see you. I want to feel your heart beat. I know that someday, later on in life, we'll meet again. We'll see each other and think of all the good things that we had. I'd make you my famous sandwich, that I call sammich. We'll snuggle and do all the things we wished we were able to earlier in life. But then I find out you have a daughter. That your wife is coming home soon. I waited all my life to see you. I waited by my phone hoping that you'll read my messages. Hoping that you'll tell me you love me. Hoping that you'll come to my graduation with flowers and open arms. I pray that we will be able to talk again. I still imagine you next to me. I still imagine you holding me. Sometimes those imagines drive me insane. Now in order to sleep, I have to imagine that me and you are talking. Don't you know that I spend all my free time waiting for you? Just because you did some mistakes, doesn't mean I don't love you. Everyone makes mistakes. I just need you. I need you right now. I need to hear you say my name. Just please come back to me. I'll do anything to see you. Anything at all. But I'm sure you are annoyed by me. You are annoyed by all the times I beg you to come back. You must be happy now that you aren't being dragged down by me. I made you upset. I hurt you. I HURT YOU. I hurt you so bad.... but that was a mistake. It was a game. It was a stupid little game. I felt guilty that I did those things. I just wish I can take it all back. You were an angel.....but now you are a Devil. I was a Devil.....but now I'm THE Devil.
Devil. That's a funny word. Why do those letters make something seem worse? Why do we put those letters in the order they are in? If you look at the word spelt backwards, you'll see lived. Lived. What does that mean? Does it mean that you lived something bad? Does it mean that you are gone? What does it mean? What does anything mean? What does life and death mean?
Have you ever wished... have you ever wished you can tell someone something? Have you wished that they don't leave you after you tell them your feelings? N. That one letter is on my mind. N. How can one letter cause hours of being awake? How can one letter cause you to blush or even smile? How? How can you make me feel this way when I should think of you as my brother? L. You are like my brother. But sometimes, I think of you more than that. J. You make me blush and squeal and act all girly. The reason why I wore that dress is because you are making me girly. T. Why? What did I do to deserve this pain? What did I do to deserve this heartache? Z. I love you more than anything. Those five letters. Those five letters cause me to lose my mind. You five letters should stay away from me. Don't come near me. 'Don't let them in, don't let them see'. I try. I try to keep you guys away from me but I can't. Maybe I should try harder. Maybe I should push everyone away. Maybe. Just maybe.
But I need to talk about my feelings. I do talk about my feelings, but not to a human.. I pretend I'm talking to someone. It makes me feel better. Why be in reality, when you can do whatever you want in your mind without anyone judging you. Without anyone yelling at you. Yelling. Such a evil word for speaking. Or a evil way to talk to someone. I can't handle yelling. It makes me feel bad. When I feel bad, you should put me in a room with nothing in it. Or just hold me. Hold my arms against your chest or something. Squeeze me till I stop crying. Make me laugh. Anything. Just do anything. But sometimes letting me cry and scream with you holding me makes me feel better. I do love hugs. The warmth of the person surrounding me. J,L,N,T,Z. Hold me please. Hold me when I can't sleep at night. Hold me when I have a nightmare. Just hold me. Hold me when I feel bad. Which will be all the time. I hope you don't care. I hope you don't care that I lean on you. That I press myself against you, hoping that you'll protect me.
You know those people that know everything that they'll do? They say that they are going to go to this place, do this, do that. And then they say that they wake up in the middle of the night screaming, fearing that they have done the wrong stuff, that they fear they are doing something wrong? Well, I just want to scream at them. I never know what I'm going to do. When I figure everything out, something goes wrong. They don't get why I'm trying to live life at the moment. The reason why is because I'm scared. I'm scared that my intoxicated neighbor will break into my house. I'm scared my parents wouldn't wake up the next morning. I'm scared I wouldn't see tomorrow. I'm scared that the house might break down and crush me. I'm scared my brother will be mad enough to do more worse things to me. No one understands how scared I am. No one understands how many times I lock myself in my room. No one understands how many times I "casually" talk to my friends. No one understands how many times I have to put my music on full blast. No one understands how many times I cry myself to sleep. No one understands anything.
I try to tell people but they push me off. Or they get all huffy and say 'oh well this is happening to me'. I try to scream. I try to yell. I try to get people to notice me. I try. I send messages to people letting them know I'm hurting. They seem to not notice or they don't care. I scream and cry. I scratch at people begging them to help me. I beg and beg. But they don't notice. They seem to just walk away. So then I just lay there curled up,
Some people need help. But they don't ask for it. Are they scared? Or are they afraid that the people they ask for help from, doesn't give them help? Why do people lie? Why do people lie about others? Why do people do all these things? Why do people hurt each other?
I had this friend. He was nice to me. I would tell him things that bothered me and he would tell me things about him. Our friendship turned into brother and sister. He's the best brother I've ever had. I'm worried that he'll go deeper. I'm scared he'll leave me. I'm scared something bad will happen and he hates me. I care so much about him. In fact, I care about everyone I meet. Even if it doesn't seem like it.
I hate it when people ask me if I'm okay or how I am. I always say 'I'm fine'.
I try to be the good girl. I can't be the good girl no more. The good girls always say the best things, always get praised for everything they do. The only things I get praised about is sarcastic things. I need someone to praise me for everything I do that is good. I want my brother to stop saying "And I care why". It hurts me. I want him to be proud of me. I want people to be proud of me. I want people to be happy with me. I want everyone to see how much I try to do. Right now I'm trying not to cry because people are near. I don't like crying in front of people. Espicially if they ask me what's wrong. Everything is wrong. And that brings me to the top of this blog thing. Life sucks. But there is good things. But the bad things sometimes overpower the good things.
So this is all I am going to say. Read this. Read it everytime you think your life is worse than someone else's. Listen to everyones life. It might surprise you. Bye.
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